coming full circle

So here I am... more than a month after my last post.. and when I re-read that one, it seems incredible that I'm still no where better off than I was. I suppose I should note that I'm also no worse off, but for some reason that seems less noticeable.

Since the last post, he came, he went, he came, he went. He eventually had two drawers filled with clothes again in my bedroom, a toothbrush, shampoo, his PS3 and a projector he borrowed from work (in absence of our 71" TV we sold when we listed the house). Last week, things seemed to take a (once again) more upbeat swing and he was able to tell me.... for the very first time... that he wanted to "try". Meaning, try to make us work again. I can't tell you how elated I was to hear words other than "I don't know" when asked the age old question, what do you want?? It sounded as if he had actually made a decision that he wanted to step up and begin fixing things. We even talked about going to therapy together again on a more routine basis.. (right now we do individual counseling) and he said things that made me believe he was also thinking about moving in with me to the new place. I never pressured him with that and between the two places I am considering, was trying to go with what I feel will be the best decision for ME, regardless of his presence or not. I do think that decision is the house for rent, versus the condo. More space, less money, more "projects" to help me work on being independent.. ability to garden/plant (which I hated the thought of not having at the condo) and if I happen to fall in love with the place, opportunity to buy as well. It's not brand new.. it doesn't come with a maintenance man OR a garage.. so I will have to do some things I'm not used to doing, but I can only assume my struggling with the such will help me become a better person in the long run.

Anyway... fast forward to this past weekend where I had booked a mini-getaway for Logan and I (last vacation as an only child.. one on one time with Mommy).. and that's pretty much when the downward spiral started again. I had told Dave numerous times before that he was invited to come along if he wanted to, but ONLY if he wanted to. Otherwise, I told him that Logan would sense anything less... and I didn't want to compromise his happiness on this weekend that was supposed to be all about him. He swayed back and forth on the idea.. not sure if he should go or not, which completely blew my mind since just days before he said he wanted to try to work on us. Finally he ended up deciding to go. Logan was happy. Long story short, he did ok with his interactions with Logan. They laughed and played a lot together, though not as much as he would have in the past.. certainly more than he's done recently. As far as he and I though, things were very quiet towards each other. We shared a king size bed (Logan had a pull out sofa) and thank God for that size because I could sense he didn't want to be sharing it with me to begin with. Our bodies never even touched. I'm just happy that Logan smiled and laughed the entire time and said it was the "best vacation ever", next to Universal, which is really the only two he would remember anyway.. lol

Things become quiet again after getting back. I find we're talking less and less again... even during the day with our texting. If I don't start the conversation, it doesn't get started at all. I'm continuing to bed over backwards to make sure there's something suitable for dinner (fitting his diet if he's on it that day), a lunch made for him.. enough coffee in the morning for both of us, clean laundry folded and put away for him, etc. All the things I used to do and then some, as I'm trying to pour every ounce of consideration into "us" as I can. That's how it's supposed to work when you're trying to fix things, right? Only.... what am I getting in return? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Not a "can I grab you a coffee on my way home?", "I'm stopping for something drive thru because I'm starving.. want anything?". He'd made several trips to Walmart or Target at night on his way over (after doing work at his Mom's house where his machines are) and would come home with a bag for himself.. a few new t-shirts, hair gel, whatever... but nothing that says he thought about me. I can't think of a single time I'm shopping that I don't see something he could use, need or want and I ALWAYS pick it up for him. I think women in general are programmed more to do such things, but when you're the guy in a relationship and you say you want to fix things.... don't you want to show her that you think of her? Flowers? A card? Mints??? For God's sake... anything! When I finally break down and tell him tonight that the lack of consideration is what bothers me most at the moment... he asks for examples. When I mention the above listed things, he asks me what he SHOULD be bringing home. What kinds of things SHOULD he buy me? Oh, that's right. I nearly forgot. Denise has no interest or hobbies. Denise is simply "wife", "mom"... not the woman you fell in love with. Not a girl. Not someone who enjoys romance and would do anything to feel it in her marriage again. How silly of me to think that you could possibly pass by something that makes you think of me in any given store.

So getting off the material thing before you think that's all I'm looking for here.... that's not it. I've complained for the last week, at least, that my hips, lower back and even the muscles in my butt are killing me at night. I'm 35 weeks pregnant. I don't sleep well anymore at all. I toss and turn and look at the clock every half hour after 3am. He hears me.. he even wakes at times and rolls over, but does a hand ever extend to rub my back? Does he ever ask if there's anything he can do for me? No. Never. I have gone through this pregnancy entirely alone. Thankfully, it has been the easiest experience of my life up until the last few weeks of normal third trimester aches and pains, because Lord knows how I would have handled it otherwise. It's just killing me that even with him lying in bed next to me, I've never felt more alone. He doesn't ask about or even acknowledge the baby at all. He's recognized the disconnect as a big issue and doesn't want to feel that way.... yet hasn't done anything to try and change that either. You want to know what to buy me, Dave? How about an outfit for your son? A stuffed animal? Anything that tells me you're thinking about me and him and want to create a bond between us all. But I guess that's simply too much to ask.

Tonight, the drawers that his clothes were in are empty. His game system packed up and gone. I haven't checked for a toothbrush or shampoo, but I wouldn't doubt they've been taken as well. He told me that nothing makes him happy. It's not to be taken personally (try that one on for size) because NOTHING makes him happy. No one. I tell him it's a shame that he can't find happiness in having a family anymore. We're not good enough anymore. Were we ever? I have my doubts. He says he's indifferent to anything. Where he lives.. who with.. whether he even lives or dies. And I say it's just so sad to hear that. It's a shame for everyone involved.. and he needs bigger help than I can provide. He needs a therapist with an "MD" at the end of his name so this person can explain what medication could do for him. It won't make him love me. It's not a trick. It will help the feeling of hopelessness dissipate. He's got classic depression.. anyone can see it. I plead with him to get treated. If not for himself or me, then please for his children. He says he won't start seeing someone new all over again and I say then I guess that's his choice. Nothing more I can do to try and help.

I haven't let him hit rock bottom. I've been his safety net since this mess started. He's tried to tell me from day one that I deserve better and should let him go.. deal with this on his own.. but I feel like he really is ill and I can't turn my back on him in that situation. If he doesn't have me to lean on.. then he really will have no one.. and I fear for him feeling that way in this state of mind. I'm there for him., over and over.. and when I have my own down day, I have no one to turn to. No one hugging me and telling me it's going to be ok. Part of me feels like such a failure. About to become a mother of two in a few weeks time and no idea where I'll be bringing my new baby home to. Not even sure to tell Logan where he can call "home". Distraught at the idea of having to uproot him AGAIN since this renting situation will be temporary at best (unless I buy the house as mentioned). Just feeling like I have no control over my life whatsoever.. and my best friend isn't there to pat me on the back and reassure me that we will get through it together. Pity party for Denise, yeah.. but that's how I feel.

845pm and I'm back in my lonely bedroom on my laptop. My head and eyes hurt from crying so much over the last 2 days. Bawled my way over to the garage door entrance to make sure it's locked (something I don't do when he's here with me). My sense of security is gone again. The glimmer of hope I had that he might be with me in the OR when Lucas is delivered begins to fade again. I make sure that he understands there are no "re do's" for days like that. It's a one-time event with pictures and memories that will last a life time. I have a feeling I'll be remembering that my Mom was next to me while I laid on the table when they brought Lucas into the world. I love my Mom. I'm glad she can be there in his place if that's what happens, but.... she's not my husband. (sigh)

I think I've updated enough. Pray for me over the next few weeks. Getting used to be alone again will be hard (though no doubt easier knowing he's not with someone else this time), but getting used to being alone when I bring home a newborn.. that will be the test of my true strength.