he's back...

... and just as chipper as could be... so I'm assuming things went ok for him down there. Probably more than ok. Who the hell knows. Whatever the case, he doesn't appear to be "really depressed", so I have to believe that their relationship will continue, which means, as long as I am pregnant.. living in the state of Massachusetts, I will continue to be married to a man who's having an affair (unable to divorce if pregnant living in this state). I hate him for putting me in this situation. He has no idea what it does to me mentally.

I haven't cried about my situation in 4 days. Like I said in the previous post.. I just felt very disconnected to it. Perhaps it's because I let myself believe that he really was going down there to say goodbye to her. Dealing with us as one issue is so much easier than dealing with us and having to think about them at the same time. But when he called to talk to Logan from the airport this morning I was forced to hear his voice (he didn't text.. he simply called and I answered since Logan was too far away). He sounded happy.

I emailed him at work to tell him about the number the realtor had come up with because I had to make sure he was in agreement. He was... and proceeded to ask me that since we no longer have to make mortgage payments on the house, could he possibly start looking for his own place and have an allowance for rent?  First of all, I'm still staying in our house right now, which is very difficult since every corner has a memory... but I continue to do it so we can take that mortgage payment money and apply it to the joint credit card bills we have while finances are still shared. I was really hoping he would tough it out and do the same thing. Secondly... as much as I say my mind is moving on, there's still that teeny stupid piece of me that still thought he would come back from FL a total mess and hurting.. wanting nothing more than to come home.... to me.... Logan.... the baby, wanting to get to know him.  The second my eyes read his email about getting his own place, they teared up. He's still very much serious about his new life, as I knew that he would be. I really did. I hate having hope in us. I hate it and I want it gone. I want the switch that he has that lets me shut it off.