a lot of changes, though nothing has changed

The past week has been filled with so many huge ups and downs.. I don't even know where to begin. "She" arrived last Saturday afternoon/evening and he's been staying with her, wherever she is. A week has gone by and to the best of my knowledge... she's still here. Either she's a sugar momma who's loaded (doubtful) or he has some kind of credit card I'm not aware of (possible). I've been watching our accounts and I don't see any major money disappearing.. so who knows.

During the work week, some anonymous friend of mine (I'm assuming) made up a name (Mike Moses) and email address and sent him a "deservedly nasty email". I thought it was quite comical to tell the truth, though I have yet to find out who did it. I'm actually glad s/he did. It opened up a whole line of communication for us via email at work.. which is the only way I can really talk to him these days. I'm going to go out on a limb here and risk boring you by posting the majority of our emails here. For those who follow my blog, I truly believe you are my closest friends and will not use this information in contacting him any further. It won't change things.. it won't make things any easier... and even though it might make you feel better for a few moments to give him a piece of your mind, it will ultimately just drive the spike deeper between us.

Who is Mike Moses and why is he emailing me at work?


How the frig should I know??  No one I've ever heard of.

Glad you emailed though... Have a few questions for you

Did you get a second crate yet?
Will "she" still be here on Friday?
Is she helping you "house sit" for K this weekend?


I assumed you knew who he was because he
(frickinfrazzled@yahoo.com) sent
me a deservedly nasty email.

Crate - not yet... do we still need a second one?  if we really do,
i'll get one tonight.
Friday - yes
House sit - i dont know


I honestly have no clue. There have been many online friends of my
favorite website that have wanted to contact you (they're the
only people that get to hear all besides my therapist.. but that's
just how it is.. I need to get it out). I've asked them not to and
I really think they would respect me. I will tell them
that I don't need them to fight my battles.

If it doesn't bother you to have your nearly 7 month pregnant wife
load a crate and dog into her car every time the house is shown,
then by all means, don't get a second crate. Just let me know.

Logan will be staying with your Mom Friday night then. I have plans.

I'm sorry, but I cannot allow him to be around her at this time. If
she's house sitting with you (which I don't know why she wouldn't..
seems you've made her pretty comfortable over there already) then
Logan will be with me all weekend.

I understand that I have no choice but to accept these changes....
and I undoubtedly will..... but for the sake of everyone involved,
I wish to God you would slow the fuck down. It's not even been
three months and I'm supposed to be ok with you leaving, sleeping
with another woman who's surely looking for a job to move up here
and get a place with you. I'm being replaced around every corner
and I just need some TIME to deal with these things and you're just
not giving it to me. As much as that surprises me because I really
thought you cared enough to take my feelings into consideration
just a tad, it's clearly not that way. You really don't get how
badly this is affecting me.


I can buy a second crate or I can just take the dog whenever you
need me to.  I just need a bit of notice.. that's all.


Would you let me take Logan for the day on Sunday?  Could I take
him somewhere.. and i'll bring one of the boys as well?



You'd never be able to make it in time for a short-notice showing,
which is usually all I get. I'm 10 minutes away and just want to be
able to take him to your Mom's if I get the call and pick him up
after work. No need for the vet to babysit.

You can see your son whenever you want to and bring whomever you
wish, except for her. Just need to tell me when.

So that's it? I get no response to anything else, huh?


I will get a crate tonight to leave at my mom's house.


I'm sorry, Denise.  There is nothing more than I can say than
that.  I'm sorry that i'm such a horrible person and that i'm
incapable of handling this entire situation with the level of
respect that you deserve.

You deserve better than me and we're both very much aware of that.
I am a failure on every level and that's really sinking in to me,
as it should.


I never wanted anyone other than you. I'm sorry if I never made
that clear enough or if my actions said otherwise. Yes, there was
obviously something lacking, but for me.. it was never love. I
don't think you can say the same.

I'm the one left feeling like a failure here. My husband wants out
so badly that he's willing to pay me off at any expense. I must
have been the most horrible person to be with. How can I ever think
I'll be capable of forming a lasting relationship? I sit at night
second guessing every little thing about myself. Maybe if I had
done this...maybe if I had said that...if only I told him what I
really meant... it just never ends. It never will. Packing away the
memories while I pack up the house is unbelievably torturous.


You know... my "therapist" (whom i am having serious doubts about
lately) said that if you werent willing to accept my apologies when
i say i'm sorry, then I should stop saying it.  I disagree.  I will
forever be sorry and while you might not believe that based on my
actions... its true.  I dont like fighting with you, I dont like
hurting you.  I wish I had the maturity to do things the right
way.  I have no guidance... and its fitting.  There should be no
one other than myself dictating my actions right now.. and that is
most definitely the case.   I am turning into the one thing I swore
I'd never become... my father... and probably even worse.   And i'm
most likely destined to have MY parents never speak to me again as
well.  So ironic and so fitting.


I'm so glad you're having doubts about Donna. I've come to find
that there is SO much more to a therapist than one who sits there
writing, nodding and saying "mmhmm". I need feedback. I need
conversation about my issues. This person I'm seeing does all that
and more. She's truly human.. having spent 3 hours with me on my
first visit because she knew I simply needed it. She has told me on
many occasions that she would very much like to see you (because
unlike Donna, she finds it very helpful and not at all
unprofessional to hear both sides on an individual basis, as it
helps her put pieces together tremendously and ultimately be more
of a help to each). I never thought to mention it to you only
because I felt like you would think I'm asking for my own benefit.
I'm not. I just think she's a much healthier choice. My boss' boss
is working on getting her into Tufts. If you think you might be at
all interested in speaking with her, please say so.  I don't know
if I ever told you, but if any good has come of this, I've gotten
your Mom to go to therapy for herself. We both know she needs it
probably more than either of us ever will.

You don't have to be your father. As long as you want to see your
children, you never will be. I honestly just don't know how you'll
develop a relationship with this second son that so far, I feel is
missing out on so much. He only knows Mommy as being sad. He
doesn't know Daddy's voice. As much as it kills me to say this, if
things were to stay how they are right now, I cannot allow you to
be in the room when he is born. I can't cry out of sadness that
day. I owe that much to him and I will do whatever it takes to
shield him from it.

I've said it before. I don't want to be the crazy ex.. but I either
scream or cry when I'm around you. I can't help it. It just hurts
so very badly. Every part of my body aches with heartbreak. You've
always been mature and responsible. That's not to say that we both
haven't had our share of immature moments over 14 years... but this
is different. I won't blame it on the weightloss like I know
someone else wants to do... and I won't place 100% of the blame on
my stupidity either, because I don't believe either one is the
route. I'm sure having never been with someone else.... never
having experienced love and lust with anyone other than me is a
major factor and once your confidence built up and you were hurt at
the same time, just all seemed to fall into place. I just wish your
love for me and our family was enough to overcome the other
feelings that developed.


I was really hoping for another response. We haven't been able to
talk like this in so long... but I know I'm not the only thing/
person requesting time of you these days.

I meant it about the counselor. Let me know.


I'm sorry... i've just been busy with work.

I appreciate everything that you said and i'm glad that we are
still able to talk on some level.

I'm not sure about seeing anyone else... i'm going to go to my
appointment today and decide what my next step will be, as far as
therapy goes.


For what it's worth.. I don't think you should stop, regardless of
who you choose to see. You seem to be learning a lot about yourself
but I think it's only the tip of the iceberg.

Please, please, please go slow and try to consider how your actions
effect other people. I can't promise to stay in this frame of mind
for long... sympathetic, semi-understanding and sad for you...
because I'm also extremely angry and deeply hurt. Every time I feel
like I'm getting to my feet again, you throw me for another loop
and I come crashing down. I now suffer routine anxiety attacks...
at home, at work.. yet I refuse to take medication because there
are risks to the baby. I can't find anything to stop my mind from
envisioning you with her and everything it entails. I just can't..
and I'm sorry because it will always trigger emotion when I see you.


I'm sorry Denise.  I dont know what more to say other than that.

I assure you, whatever you envision is grossly over-exaggerated.


I wish that were the case.... but confirming my thoughts the
other night? That's not exaggeration. Just truth. The fact that
she's still here with an open-ended leave date just makes it more
so. Wish you could explain that.


I'm not quite sure what you want me to explain to you...



How if you're staying with her every night on an open-ended
invitation that my visions are not over exaggerated. I'm left to
believe that you spend every waking moment making love to her and
loving her in every way.. whether it's shopping, dining, looking at
apartments, whatever. I don't know how you could deny such thoughts.


I have been looking at apartments and I have been eating... and
watching tv.... but that's about it.

You dont have to believe that ... but its true.


then why.. why is she still here?  you said you've done more....
you admitted to that the other night.


You didnt even give me a chance to explain before you kicked me out
the other night...

There is more to a relationship than sex... to me, anyway.  It's
unimportant to me.. you probably already know that.


I don't think it's unimportant.. or rather, it shouldn't be, but I
do agree it's not the most important factor either. For me, it's
always been the closeness that is shared during it. It's the
intimacy. You know I loved just laying with you at night.  When you
said "fine, yes"... the action had been confirmed. If I am totally
in the wrong assuming that, then please do tell me. I wish you
would explain it.. I really do.

I had a 215 appointment and I'm only home checking email for a
minute. Logan and I are going to visit a friend and then we'll be
back. Please email me at home if you could.


It's something that has come up, more than once... but i never felt
right about it... you can believe what you will, but my feelings thus
far have never been based on sexual desire and I insisted on that
from the very beginning... because it was never a love thing at all
in the beginning.  I was never motivated by sex to do anything or
make any decision... i didnt want that to cloud my judgement... and
it hasnt.  And that's how I want it and that's how it is.


So.... you're really trying to tell me that you haven't... yet.   Am I understanding that?  It's just.... what am I supposed to think? You said yes when you were here. You're staying with her every night... you love her... she loves you... how can I not think that?

I don't think I was completely sex-driven in our relationship. Perhaps I put more pressure on you in the past few months before you left, but that's only because I enjoyed it so much more than I ever have. I thought you did too. However, I do require intimacy and attention, though those can occur on so many different levels. Living 2007 without either of those things on a routine basis left a huge void for me to try and fill once you started coming around last year. I was so happy with the person you were becoming. We were doing so much together that we haven't done in years. I really wish you could have expressed to me how unhappy you were because this totally blind-sided me.

I'm really searching for a happy medium here. I'm either full throttle angry or sad beyond belief. Then, when we do get a chance to talk like this, it starts putting that little word back in my head..... "hope".  I know you've told me I can't have that. I've told myself a million times. It's just.... knowing everything that we've talked about.... for as sorry as you say you are.. for how much you don't want to hurt me... for as sorry as I know I am and how much I will never stop loving you..... is that still the end of things? There is no more?

I dreamed last night of you feeling the baby kick. I dream of that a lot. You and Logan were taking turns. I keep thinking about how much better things would be if the two of us rented this condo together for a while... got our finances back under control... started not quite back at square 1, but nearly. As it is, you dishing out child support AND rent AND bills AND unknowns.... it will be just as stressful as when we were living in our $3300/mo house.  I don't want that for you but I really don't know how to make it any better. It's the way things will be. I feel like finances put a huge strain on you in the marriage and whether or not you choose to believe it... it did for me too.


I'm sorry I didnt respond to your message sooner... i only got it when I got in to work today.


Denise, I didnt know what you wanted to hear.   I didnt get why you kept prying at that issue.  It's obviously not a comfortable subject.  As I said, its been initiated more than once.. but i couldnt.  Mentally, even.  

I have come to terms with the fact that I will be living with very meager means.  I wish I could get out of my car.  I'm in the process of trying to have someone take over my lease.  I have found a place that I think is safe and not a dump... in Riverside.  I want to secure it but it is going to require $1600 ($825+$825) because of the security deposit.  If your math is correct, i will be working with a very limited budget with no room for anything but the essentials... but i'll deal with that.  It's not your problem.  I know without a doubt that my mother will no longer be of any assistance to me financially.  She will more than likely disown me... she pretty much already has.  And honestly, its sad to say, but I dont even care.  Of all people, i'm beyond the point of justifying my actions to her.  I shouldnt have to... and I guess i'm not anymore.  

I am meeting with a lawyer this afternoon to discuss the next steps.  I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, that its no over... for no greater reason than to stop hurting you and give you the kind of treatment that you deserve... but this IS really happening and I cant stop the feelings I have and that ways that i've changed.  I feel incredibly guilty for the way that i've handled everything and my entire life, for that matter.  I feel like a failure in everything i've ever done... personally, while i sometimes feel empowered, its completely shattered with guilt and shame and fear. Why you choose to keep fighting for me, i dont know.  When you do, it makes me realize what i've done, how horrible I am and  just how much that you deserve better.  I could never mend all of these wounds.  I would never ask you to forgive me.  I dont deserve it.


I choose to fight for you because you've been the love of my life for 14 years. Those feelings don't just go away over night, or in 2 months for that matter. Forgiveness (for both of us) is possible... though it would not be an easy process.
 
I'm glad you feel empowered. I understand that as neither of us was able to experience that at a younger age. I'm sorry to have held you back for so long.
 
I'm so scared, Dave... and I no longer have my best friend to share my fears with. I don't have you to comfort me.. hold me. My loss, Leslie's gain. I'm sure she will come to love those arms wrapped around her as I did for so many years. Please congratulate her for me. Obviously, the better woman won.
 
I will no longer pry. Perhaps that will allow you the freedom to do whatever you like.. physically and mentally. If not, then surely the divorce papers will. 
 
Best of luck.


Its not about anyone winning.... its not about her.  If she were to walk away today, things would be no different.  

I'm also scared... more than i'm willing to admit.  Things wont ever be the same.. but you are not alone, Denise.  You will always be in my life... i dont want to be your enemy.  


You don't want to be my enemy... but you don't want to be my love. Forgive me, but I just don't know how to find a medium, especially while carrying your child. I just don't know how to do it. No friend, relative or therapist can tell me.  For as many times as I've tried to tell you that things don't have to be black or white, I can't for the life of me find the gray "ok" area anymore. It doesn't exist.
 
You may say it's not about winning, but put yourself in my shoes... just for one minute. Then tell me how else I'm supposed to feel. I lost my husband, but to another woman at the very same time.